There is a stereotype of a nerd that I think everyone in our
society is aware of: a lonely, sexually awkward dork, fumbling through social
situations with all the grace of a drunken Bear with Tourette’s. Even popular
TV shows like Big Bang Theory play up smart characters as being sexually
juvenile and inexperienced in the ways lovemaking that the normal people around
them excel at. Sure, they’re smart, the viewers say, but I get laid more often.
Well, do you? Shockingly enough, no, you don’t. The fact is, the average comic
book reading dork in a Green Lantern shirt probably gets way more action than
you do, on any given day. And the following points are just some of the many
reasons why you need to date a nerd.
Passion
Every single women’s magazine
out there loves to throw around the word “passion”. Well I’ll tell you, no one
is more passionate about anything than the person who spends an obsessive
amount of time cataloging their vintage mint-on-card Star Wars action figures
and creating Excel spreadsheets to track their value based on current market
saturation and grading number from the Action Figure Authority. Any person
passionate enough to do that will
be more than willing to research tantric sex training and read up on which
positions from the Kama Sutra provide for the greatest amount of stimulation
for both partners.
Mention that you’re interested
in rope bondage? Your geeky concubine will be more than happy to take several
courses in knot-tying online, and by the time you get home from work you will
be greeted by a stack of books on Japanese BDsM techniques with pictorial
instructions. Want to try role playing in the bedroom to spice things up?
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| A nine inch penis flopping back and forth has always done something for me |
How about a Superman/Lois Lane
scenario, played out in comic-accurate costumes? Maybe domination’s a little
more your style, in which case a handcrafted latex Wonder Woman outfit,
complete with a golden whip, can be shipped to your door. And you can thank
nerds for almost 100% of online adult content, because without the Internet we
wouldn’t be able to stream hardcore fan-made Dragon Ball Z videos right to our
homes. Nerds are so obsessed with sex that they built an entire globally spanning network of computers, just
to watch porn on. That’s dedication.
Attention to Detail
If there’s one thing nerds love
more than sex, it’s detail. I once watched the entire 1960s Batman porn
parody [for research purposes] from start to finish, and let me tell you –
that thing was accurate right down to set dressing. If the producers had
actually filmed Frank Gorshin plowing one of the many voluptuous 1960s hippie
chicks on the set of the original Batman TV series, that is what it would have
looked like.
I’m such a dork that I watched
an entire porno and didn’t fast forward
through the non-sex parts, just so I could ogle the costumes. For nerds, making
costumes is a labor of love that leads to lovemaking. Go to any comic
convention and look at the craftsmanship on the costumes. Walking around in a
movie-quality costume at a comic convention is like being George Clooney at a
sexy Hollywood party. You could literally have your pick of anyone you
want.
How many hot elf girls in
purple body paint have gotten laid because of their costuming abilities? All of them. I’m not any great
shakes in the looks department, but do you know how many marriage proposals
I’ve gotten when wearing a Harley Quinn costume?
Five. In one day. Because guys
know that when a girl is willing to dress up like a psychotic clown from a
comic book series and stand around in public, she’s probably cool with doing
some really weird stuff in the bedroom.
The Creativity
It’s not just costumes. There
are entire series of fan-made comic books that feature nothing but depraved sex
between characters. And they’re not crappy quality, either – some artist,
somewhere, sat down with a pen and pencil and drew Superman having a three-way
with The Flash and Zatanna and lovingly rendered Superman’s pubic hair to
include his trademark curl. This stuff really happens. Do you know why there’s
so much cartoon porn on the Internet?
It’s not because porn producers
really love cartoons, that’s for sure. It’s because nerds are so obsessed with
sex, that they apply it to everything they love. Love sex? Love cartoons? Why
not combine the two and have the perfect marriage of nerdy and depraved! It’s
like eating Combos, delicious pretzels, and cheesy filling. Only it’s cartoon
characters banging each other instead. Maybe this analogy is flawed.
Regardless, your life will never again be the same once you see art of
Optimus Prime getting a handy from Megatron while Laserbeak watches, drawn by
someone who actually makes money to draw that type of thing.
The Sex
I have to tell you that nerds seem to have
proportionately larger dicks. I dated a jock in high school that ended up being
my first. Big guy, good looking with a wee weeny and he is terrible in bed. I mean
I get the first time should suck, but he was bad the first time and the last
time. Then cam Kevin, my not so knight in nerdy armor. Tall skinny kid, sweet
as can be and smart. Oh and did I mention he had the best dick! He was 17 and had a dick bigger than most men! Even at 18 (No
judging I was 17 when I lost my virginity) when I saw him pull that out of his
pants the first time I knew it was going to be fun. And fun it was an orgasm
giving machine! My first vaginal orgasms ever!
We finally broke up when we moved away from each
other but I was hooked on two things after that. big dicks and nerdy guys. We
still talk to this day, I have even met his wife and I’m sure he keeps her
happy in bed. You would think nerdy guys can’t fuck and it is true in some
cases but most of them can, and it’s true the nerdy man might be packin’!
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| My boyfriends always had a secret weapon hiding |
The Weird Shit
By now you should know that
nerds are anything but pocket-protector wearing Star Trek loving, math majors.
They’re majorly perverted and kinky pocket-protector wearing Star Trek loving
math majors. When in high school, I was part of the “nerdy” group. We were
teased for being weird, but while the “cool” kids were busy smoking their first
stolen cigarettes and stealing sips of their dad’s skunky beers, my friends
were researching rope bondage, piercing themselves with needles stolen
from the chemistry class supply closet, and having orgies.
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| Nerds are more open to weird shit than Mr. Macho |
Yes orgies. Well kinda, but it was hot. A bunch of naked couples
practically having sex in the same room. I have had two threesomes in my
lifetime and my first was in college with a group of Star Trek loving groupies.
Both of the guys where your classic nerdy but cute looking type. After a night
of Trek binging I started to kiss one then the other joined in. As I suspected
when they both dropped there pants out flopped two huge Klingon penises. It
took no time from me stroking them to stand to attention. One was easily 9
inches and thick as a coke can the other not far behind. Try having two Star
Trek junkies with big dicks take turns on you all night and Star Trek takes on
a whole new meaning.
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| You get over the lack of body definition once they are behind you |
And these were the “unpopular” kids! Nerds aren’t just prodigies
in math and science and comic book lore – they’re sexual prodigies. By the time
a normal person starts experimenting with “weird stuff”, nerds have already moved
past it and are on to holographic sex parties with alien creatures in Second
Life. There’s a reason why every documentary about polyamorous, BDsM
latex-worshipping couples always feature people who look like they are
full-fledged LARPERs or medieval recreationists – because they ARE. The weirder
your hobbies are, the more bizarre and colorful your sex life is. This is
science. Do you have a Klingon Bat’leth hanging on the wall of your apartment?
Because you are a stone cold freak in the bedroom, guaranteed.
So the next time you pass by a
comic shop or a renaissance faire, don’t feel sorry for the people there.
Instead, grab yourself a studded codpiece and get freaky with the best of them.
You can thank me later.
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