Want a guy to excitedly go down on you? Want him to last longer in bed and make every possible effort to please you? There's an easy trick: just tell him you've never had an orgasm. I should know.
I've been the one to say it, many times. There's no greater aphrodisiac for any man with an ego than a challenging his ability to please you. The responses are surprisingly standard. Mention it to a male friend and he'll most likely offer to sleep with you. You know, just out of generosity.
Mention it to the guy you're becoming involved with and he'll make some derogatory comment about his peers and a macho promise about how he's going to have to fix that for you. For me, the unfortunate part is that it was true. I had never had an orgasm, and men thought I needed to be fixed. Women, too, for that matter.
Well-meaning friends would insist that I just wasn't trying hard enough, citing their own stories as proof of how easy it was. "But I can orgasm just from yoga! From horseback riding! From the bathtub faucet!" And, my personal favorite, "I can just think my way into it!" Well, (bitches,) I couldn't. One friend took a less extrasensory approach and insisted we go on a field trip to Babeland. Even the well-groomed gay salesman took me up as a personal challenge: "Well, we're going to have to fix that for you!" It sounded dauntingly familiar.
Ultimately, the large purple vibrator he selected didn't do it for me either. Oh, it was nice. I squirmed and I squealed and I ran down the batteries. But I didn't orgasm. I was the 30-something combing forums filled with tweens and teens, eagerly soaking up the advice of girls a decade younger than me. If CheerBabe69 could do it, why couldn't I?
On the bright side, I did know better than to fake it. After a bad experience with my first boyfriend, who would finger me and ask "are you close?" every 20 seconds, I realized that faking it even once would lead to the expectation of a repeat performance.
I even had a chance to try "Mr. Big". I was lucky enough that I dated the proverbial man with a horse cock! Who was truly wonderful in bed but still no orgasm.
It just gets tiring. Besides, don't women have enough of our own insecurities when it comes to sex? If I'm going to overthink how bulgy my stomach looks in this or that position or the fact that I'm overdue for a bikini wax, why not turn the tables? If he wants to worry about his performance, let him worry.
I always enjoyed sex – really, really, enjoyed it - and if a guy didn't believe me that I liked it without an orgasm, that was his problem. In a way, it gave me a refreshing source of sexual power, so I continued to find a way to work it into a conversation when it looked like a relationship was heading toward the bedroom.
Addressing the issue up front let me enjoy the experience without it looming over me, in addition to letting me benefit from that extra effort by the determined-to-please gentleman in disbelief.
One of these gentlemen in question, after three years together, is now my husband. Like others, I had given him my "It's not you, it's me" orgasm speech early on. Unlike others, he didn't take it personally and didn't act like there was something wrong with me. Best of all, he was sexually confident enough to know that there was nothing wrong with him. Instead of him being concerned about his ego, we were both concerned about enjoying each other.
After some time together, I forgot that there was anything missing, or that sex was different for me than for others. Just like with the vibrator, I'd squirm and I'd scream and I'd love it. I was in my sexual prime, and I was comfortable with myself, with my body, and with my partner. And that was enough. That was just my reality, and I had finally stopped judging myself for it. It was even enough that when we got engaged and my friend asked if he had made me – you know– yet, I realized I hadn't thought about it in ages.
You don't miss what you've never had. So on my wedding night, it wasn't even a passing thought in my mind. The good news? The climax of my story is, well, climactic. One day, at the not-so-delicate age of 42 and very well into my marriage, it happened. We weren't doing anything differently. I wish we were, so that I could go back and post the magic answer on all of those forums. And for the sake of saying it no my husband is not hung like a horse he is perfectly average.
Later, it happened again. And again. Until I could finally trust it enough that I could admit it out loud and not worry that I'd jinx it somehow. So, was I just psyching myself out all those years? Maybe. Does sex feel better when I orgasm? A little, but it's really just the icing on the cake. Even knowing what they're like now, I still wish I didn't waste so many years agonizing over them. However, I do feel obligated to say that I still can't orgasm from yoga.
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