Smallest Dick Contest again

As promised, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant made its return to the borough this weekend, with five new penises and the bodies attached to them vying for the coveted title. For a few stifling hours, Bushwick's Kings County Bar transformed into one giant bachelorette party— with everyone and their mother (there were a few mothers there) anxious to see all the teeny peen. 

One women shouted "Let's see some small dicks!" before it got started. Another women said she thought her husband who was in the contest had a good shot of winning, 23 years of marriage those two. There was the general consensus of all the humans in attendance that this was all just in fun.

The bar was bedecked with penis-related balloons, streamers and decor. Bartenders were serving up a special "Penis Colada" drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence looked like semen, and came with a penis-shaped straw to boot.

Accordingly, everyone bided their time in a penis-related fashion: by sipping on semen-esque "penis coladas" through penis-shaped straws, by talkin' about dicks, by speculating idly (about whose penises we were going to behold). It was, by far, the most crowded, sweaty, humid room I'd ever set foot in — much less planned to ogle at flaccid manbits in. Occasionally, the penis discourse was interrupted by a complaint about the heat.

At 9:00pm, the time at which the contest was slated to start, a sweaty mass of journalists had formed at the front of the room. The panel of judges was introduced. Where are the small penises, the Journalist Heap seemed to seethe. Get these judges off the stage. Everyone shifted around impatiently.  I tried to take a picture and someone with a stupid hat got in the way — an occurrence that would undoubtedly happen to many a person, many times, during the course of the Annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Contest.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity spent pressed up against a wall, feeling claustrophobic and hot while praying vainly for respite, The Littlest Penises in Brooklyn to Have Answered a Craigslist Ad finally emerged from their secret chambers. In a rush of activity, the contestants began catwalking down the bar in nothing but lil' bow-tie-clad penis-socks and sashes. Photographers were snapping with wild abandon. The Journalist Heap struggled to discern and quickly write down the names as usual of each contestant. The men had become better looking that other years. Handsome and attractive even. I was curious could a few of these muscle laden hunks be hiding a minuscule member?

23 men this year on stage. In fact they had to tell many others there was no room for them. A bigger venue I have heard is planned next year. I will admit that all the penises were pretty small. Smaller than even an average small man. I was so overwhelmed by the whole scene that I didn't immediately feel any reaction to the sight of the besocked manhoods hovering over the surface on which I had just been served a drink. Most just poked out. there where no dangling cocks in this contest.

The whole scene was rather thought-provoking. I had to wonder, like the sweatiest Carrie Bradshaw in all of Bushwick: what were we all doing there? What is it about the spectacle of a tiny penis that was so very compelling? I glanced out the door and saw that people were lined up on the street, peering in with curiosity, because the bar was over capacity. I tried to think of an analogous woman situation: the Smallest Breasts in Brooklyn? The Longest Labia in Brooklyn? I couldn't think of any perceived flaw with a woman's genitals that would overfill a bar. Similarly, I found it hard to imagine that the bar would have been half as crowded if it were to host a Biggest Dick in Brooklyn contest. It almost seemed like looking at small dicks was more fun that looking at big ones. 

The small penis is a running joke in our culture; it's kind of a meme as old as time. According to Susan Bordo, author of The Male Body, "the warlords of the Ottoman Empire publicly posted their genital measurements for conquered tribes to admire." A fresco at the ruins of Pompeii (circa 79 CE) depicts "a wealthy man using his enormous penis to counterbalance several bags of money on a scale." An easy way to disparage an alpha man for being too ostentatious or too aggressive is to insinuate that he's overcompensating for his deficient penis-size. Clearly, there's a way in which our ideal of a big, girthy dick is conflated with our ideal of strength, confidence, and virility.

Furthermore, I'd argue that, because a penis isn't usually seen in public (unless you're John Hamm in sweatpants being hounded by paparazzi), we see it as somehow more integral to a man's private, inner identity. The size of one's penis is an intimate secret; once uncovered, it has the potential to reveal something previously unknown about a man's innermost psyche. For instance, the trope of the "bashful nerd who secretly has a big dick and that changes everyone's opinion of him" is fairly common in pop culture — it's occurred in Game of Thrones, The Hard Times of RJ Berger, Skins, and The Jersey Shore, to name a few.

The remaining two contestants, who neither hid their identities nor became terrifyingly inebriated, were the only two genuinely liked by the crowd. Both were affable, humble, and obviously immensely comfortable in their own skin. Finally they crowned a winner or should I say weiner. Midget Man came in 2nd and Shaftless was our winner. Neither of the men ever where erect but both said erect they where no bigger than about 3 inches long. Both soft from what I could tell would never have measured more than an inch at best. 

It basically goes without saying that an event like this is compelling because of cheap beer and dicks in little tuxedos.