When your average guy hears the word "hand job," it goes through a processing factory that spits it out to his brain as "Dry claw grip parade NOOOO." Then they make some variety of that joke that goes like, "The best hand job is with your mouth, HUR HUR HUR HURRR DURR." Yeah, no. I'm tired, and I already brushed my teeth.
 |
| It look like riding the one she is giving the handjob to might cause your cervix to hide |
Why are handies considered the embarrassing inbred cousin of the blow job? Because they're associated with the ultimate unsexy sexual attitude: Halfheartedness. We picture them being given in the backs of a car by an ambivalent, inexperienced teen girl to her desperate boner-addled boyfriend who is shorter than her. Or by a recently divorced mom who's too tired to have actual sex with her latest eHarmony date.
 |
| Touching it just right. the male clit |
Here are few tips to make a Handy more fun.
"Jiggle It" Warm-Up
In Theory: Self-explanatory.
In Practice: "Haha, what are you doing?" he asked. He said it felt like nothing.
In Theory: Self-explanatory.
In Practice: "Haha, what are you doing?" he asked. He said it felt like nothing.
Twist and Shout
In Theory: Grab from the base of the penis, then pull his whole penis to the side as you twist. "Pressure at the base is OK," says Jansen. "Ask him to rate the pressure on a scale of one to ten."
In Practice: I looked down at his penis with uncertainty and said, "I think I have to like, twist it?" His face became full of fear. Hard to come back from that. I tried it; he said it didn't really feel like anything, but that might have been because I was doing it gingerly. Because the way Jansen did it looked like it could be done incorrectly/painfully.
In Theory: Grab from the base of the penis, then pull his whole penis to the side as you twist. "Pressure at the base is OK," says Jansen. "Ask him to rate the pressure on a scale of one to ten."
In Practice: I looked down at his penis with uncertainty and said, "I think I have to like, twist it?" His face became full of fear. Hard to come back from that. I tried it; he said it didn't really feel like anything, but that might have been because I was doing it gingerly. Because the way Jansen did it looked like it could be done incorrectly/painfully.
 |
| Nice soft strokes with a lot of pressure can get a guy off (no pun) |
Tunnel of Love
In Theory: Place one hand over the other again and again and push them down from the head to the base. "It makes him feel like he's in a never-ending vagina."
In Practice: "You need to go faster so there's no space of time between them, then it would feel good," he said. So I did, and then he couldn't stop laughing because my flailing elbow movements made me look like Olive Oyl. "I can't look. It's too ridiculous." Verdict: Even with eyes closed, it felt OK, but did not feel like a never-ending vagina.
In Theory: Place one hand over the other again and again and push them down from the head to the base. "It makes him feel like he's in a never-ending vagina."
In Practice: "You need to go faster so there's no space of time between them, then it would feel good," he said. So I did, and then he couldn't stop laughing because my flailing elbow movements made me look like Olive Oyl. "I can't look. It's too ridiculous." Verdict: Even with eyes closed, it felt OK, but did not feel like a never-ending vagina.
Bouncing Squid
In Theory: Put your hand in a squid shape with all your fingers pursed together around the tip of his penis, your palm above the head. Now bounce it up and down his penis from the head to the base, trying to get the thumb or middle finger to go down over the frenulum repeatedly. "You have to see his cock as kind of a fun thing to play with like a joystick. And once he knows youre enjoying it he'll enjoy it that much more."
In Practice: "See why it's called a squid?" I asked. "I … I don't need to know the names," he said. He felt whatever about this, but +1,000 points because I found it funny.
In Theory: Put your hand in a squid shape with all your fingers pursed together around the tip of his penis, your palm above the head. Now bounce it up and down his penis from the head to the base, trying to get the thumb or middle finger to go down over the frenulum repeatedly. "You have to see his cock as kind of a fun thing to play with like a joystick. And once he knows youre enjoying it he'll enjoy it that much more."
In Practice: "See why it's called a squid?" I asked. "I … I don't need to know the names," he said. He felt whatever about this, but +1,000 points because I found it funny.
 |
| Squeezing the base is my favorite thing to do while I stroke a man |
Extra Little Touches
In Theory: First knead your thumbs upward under the frenulum, alternating between thumbs. Then pull one hand down to the base of his penis and rub the flat palm of your other hand over the head. "He won't come from these, but when he does come, these will make it more intense."
In Practice: "It's nice, but I could take or leave it," he said. "You know," I said, "This woman is so good at hand jobs that her old lover said that he could 'take or leave intercourse.'" He gave me a "get out of town" look. "It would be nice if you put your mouth on it," he said. "That's not what I have to do for work," I said.
In Theory: First knead your thumbs upward under the frenulum, alternating between thumbs. Then pull one hand down to the base of his penis and rub the flat palm of your other hand over the head. "He won't come from these, but when he does come, these will make it more intense."
In Practice: "It's nice, but I could take or leave it," he said. "You know," I said, "This woman is so good at hand jobs that her old lover said that he could 'take or leave intercourse.'" He gave me a "get out of town" look. "It would be nice if you put your mouth on it," he said. "That's not what I have to do for work," I said.
Stuff With the Balls
In Theory: Grab between his penis and balls, and squeeze so you get more definition in the scrotal sack. Gently. Use fingertips or palms really gently though. If you go too hard on his balls he'll never let you near them again.
In Practice: Into it.
In Theory: Grab between his penis and balls, and squeeze so you get more definition in the scrotal sack. Gently. Use fingertips or palms really gently though. If you go too hard on his balls he'll never let you near them again.
In Practice: Into it.
Opposites
In Theory: Stack both hands on the penis and move fists back and forth in opposite directions, kind of like you are using a pepper grinder. "Normally when we have sex it's just up and down, but sometimes opposite is good."
In Practice: This one was the best one. After a minute or two, he stopped me and said, semi-panicked, "I don't want to come from a hand job," because this would send him back to the lonely masturbation festival of high school or something.
In Theory: Stack both hands on the penis and move fists back and forth in opposite directions, kind of like you are using a pepper grinder. "Normally when we have sex it's just up and down, but sometimes opposite is good."
In Practice: This one was the best one. After a minute or two, he stopped me and said, semi-panicked, "I don't want to come from a hand job," because this would send him back to the lonely masturbation festival of high school or something.
In conclusion, my boyfriend was pleasantly surprised: "That was better than I thought it would be." He acquiesced that he'd be open to finishing from a hand job
Comments
Post a Comment